Day #16.

It's been a rough past couple of days.

Actually, this month has drained me of all energy.

A close friend from home has been having issues for a while now, and these issues have brought him down to his lowest low. I listened to him and told him to call me the next time he's at that point, no matter what's going on.

After some horrible experiences several years ago, I've automatically made myself responsible for a person with a major depressive disorder. And in this guy's case, he has no insurance for psychological assistance, so in my mind I'm one of his support contacts. And if something happens or happened to him, I'd blame myself for not doing anything about it before. But what exactly could I do now? His closest family and friends would just say "Stop feeling that way, you're fine, geeez." 2000 miles away, I figure I'm doing alright.

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A co-worker I've known for a few years has had trouble with some things in the past, and on Friday, he attempted suicide. Let's just say his name is John. I was asked through a text message to check on John in the barracks where we stay. I said sure. I step outside where there was lightning striking in the distance as a thunderstorm was heading my way, the tree branches were waving hard in the wind, and an armadillo by the bushes nearby scared me as much as I scared it. Something wasn't right. I went to his door and knocked, but there was no sound on the other side. I attempted to call his cell, and it rang through the door, but no answer and no other sounds. My stomach turned a little. I called Chris to get advice, and he said to call an NCO in charge for assistance. I continued to knock on the door while waiting for the NCO to arrive. One swift knock startled John awake, and I heard him scuffling around inside, hurriedly, without answering the door. I can't give details, but he wasn't going to answer the door, and he wasn't expecting anyone to come in and find him alive. 20-30 minutes later, we got a key to get inside, called 911 and eventually EMS arrived and took him to the hospital.

I've never actually walked in on an incident related to suicide, but it's been replaying in my head every day. John is alive, and will be getting help after his hospitalization is over and he's fully healed. I've been at the hospital every day to see him since the incident.

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I don't feel responsible for the fact that these people are lost in depression, but I feel like I should be as involved as I can with them because I understand and I can encourage them that they will get better. I feel obligated to take them under my wing and help with the healing process. If I don't help them, I'm failing myself and every successful suicide victim out there.

Last year, a medic that used to work at the jail hung himself. I saw him outside of work at Starbucks often, and he even told me when I was feeling down once that things would get better for me. I didn't see the warning signs before his suicide, and it bothers me so much that I failed him by not being able to see when he was down or help him through his troubles.

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Yesterday I received a text message from my mom saying that a guy from my home town hung himself the night before. He had a drug problem, and I'm guessing he became overwhelmed with emotions and couldn't go through the pain any longer. He was 1 year younger than me, and he's no longer with us. My heart sank to the floor as soon as I heard about it. I know people say we're born alone, and we die alone. But then there's dying alone and completely full of lonliness.

Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do sometimes. If there aren't any signs, we never know there were issues to begin with, so we just hear about it in the news or through somebody, and sometimes we see it right in front of us.

I called the friend from home and talked to him about it, and once again asked him to call me if he's ever feeling that way again. He promised me that he would, and I can only hope that those promises won't be broken.

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Today we had Suicide Prevention training for a few hours, and I had to leave at a certain point because I was so angry! The soldiers in the training would smirk or laugh about certain things and I became enraged at their immaturity. A female next to me said "I don't feel any sympathy for suicidal people, they obviously do it for attention and nothing else." And an NCO said "Yeah, I talked 3 people out of killing themselves. One guy had a blade on himself and I told him to go ahead and cut his throat, and when he dropped the blade I socked him. I'll tell them straight up to stop being a pussy about it."

No compassion for the people next to us is what has lead people to their successful suicides, and it will continue to happen more and more with opinions like the ones above.

I'm just sick with it, sick to my stomach.

After today, I feel as though sensitivity and care in this world is reaching it's end.

 



150 days remaining.